What Lies Do You Believe About Yourself?

(from 'The Father-Wound and the Blueprint for Masculinity')

As I wrote in chapter four, being shaped inside by the father-wound means that we have all, to a point, taken on board the ‘messages’ that had come with it. These dark messages (no matter how much they seem to be based in factual truth) must be unearthed, their old sting must be felt again, and then—purely as an act of faith and against all the ‘facts’ that seem to ‘prove’ them—we must liberate ourselves from them. We must renounce them, and break our agreement with them—no matter how ‘true’ they may appear (or may have turned out to be, as a result of our believing them). 

True, we will more often see ourselves act out those lies than actually say them out loud. But every now and then, in those moments of high stress, conflict or grief, we will utter the things that may be driving much of how we act, and appear, in the world.

In the faith-and-adventure-based documentary movie A Story Worth Living, Bart Hansen from Wild at Heart ministries, recalls a story of a crash that occurred while Bart was operating a small plane with a friend next to him. Bart and his friend survived the crash unscathed, but in their conversation immediately afterwards, his friend asked him if he remembered what he was saying when the plane was going down. Getting a negative answer from Bart, the friend proceeded to recall his words and actions to him:

‘You were hitting the top of the dashboard with your fists, screaming at yourself: ‘’you worthless piece of shit, you worthless piece of shit!’’,’ Bart’s friend says to him, much to his amazement.

As Bart proceeds to explain his amazement in the film, it transpires that this was the exact phrase that his older brother had once used to frequently shame him, as a boy. Bart reflected: ‘And I had this agreement that I was—this self-hatred, this self-reproach—and it came bubbling out.’

Whatever comes ‘bubbling out’ in times of stress, trauma and turmoil, is often what we deeply believe about ourselves and the world around us. And it is that agreement, which, once unearthed and felt, needs to be renounced—despite how true it feels at that very moment.

In Bart’s case, the sense of helplessness that had been exposed by his ‘failing’ to control that plane, had exposed what really had been driving his attempts to be strong and in control of his life, no matter the cost—an inner sense of weakness and worthlessness, no doubt affirmed and cemented by belief that he was on his own (due to the early loss of his father).

I am on my own.

How many of us have, at one time or another, taken that on board? If you have, how do you think has that narrative shaped you? 

I am weak.

I am unwanted.

I am dirty.

I am bad.

No matter how you may have acted those lies out in your life, it is important to understand that they did not originate from you. They are a part of the dark narrative—the diabolical script, if you will—that has been keeping you from tapping into the masculine blueprint and fully living out of your true self. You cannot live a full life (the fuller, freer, purpose-driven life I assume you are searching for by reading books like this one) of masculine purpose, until you are willing to face your own self-limiting beliefs, and look beyond them. But before you are even able to see beyond them, you must see them for what they are: lies. Lies that are blocking you from even conceiving of who you are meant to be, as a person and as a man.

When it comes to the father-wound, those lies come from either harsh (overly-critical, abusive) or silent (absent, passive, failing to intervene) paternal force.

As I stressed many times earlier, in terms of childhood pain suffered at the hands of the father or grief caused by his absence, the way forward is expression. The tears of pain and unmet father-longing must be shed; the heart’s cry of the little boy within must be expressed, heard and acknowledged; his pain must be accepted and allowed to pour out.

But there are other aspects that make up the inner masculine being. There are forceful, individualistic, boundary-pushing emotional traits that tend to emerge during adolescence and are often either suppressed by tyrannical fathers or unchallenged (and therefore, not fully developed and not fit for ‘proper use’ in the service of good). Those are the traits of  ‘the warrior’. If those have not been allowed to emerge and develop by a harsh, dogmatic or tyrannical father, the way to reclaim them is blocked by one main, looming, overbearing, almost all-encompassing obstacle:

The shadow of the father.

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'The Father-Wound and the Blueprint for Masculinity' is available on: www.menscorner.co.uk/books